Parenting and Perfectionism

My son is so similar to me in personality that it really surprises me sometimes. Sensitive, thoughtful, and prone to feeling the weight of "all the things" when tired.

One night as I was tucking him into bed, he began to cry. I asked him what was wrong and he said "I just can't be the best at everything!" He went on to describe how much he wanted to know all the rules for playing football and soccer, so he could play better with his friends during recess at school, and how they kept changing the rules as they were playing and he couldn't keep up with the changes, and how he didn't even know where to go when the action was happening on the field. I immediately went into mommy-problem-solving mode, offering to help him learn more about the games by enrolling him in football and soccer with the city rec league. He said "No, I don't really want to do that. I just want to know the rules." He continued with a description of playing with one friend at school, where they have a superhero game. His friend usually directs the game, telling L what the rules are and how to play, but then he changes the rules midstream. And I made the connection as a light bulb came on in my head. My son wants the framework, the rules, to know how to proceed, then will do his utmost to contribute. But having the rules change midway requires a readjustment, and he, like me, needs a bit of time to process that change, and the more lead time, the better.

We haven't yet entirely solved this situation, though a conference with his amazing 2nd grade teacher at least gave L a chance to talk to the adults who care most for him and for us to reassure him that we want to support him and love him and help him participate in whatever way he wants to at school. It turns out that team sports may just not be his thing. He enjoys the company of others, but gets far more excited at the prospect of Tae Kwon Do or gymnastics than football or soccer, even if he has the chance to play on a team with his friends. His teacher also informed his dad and me that there are often times when L would prefer to sit and read a book or chat with the teacher than play during recess. So he's a nerd, just like me. :-)

But speaking of gymnastics...I was tucking him in again a few nights ago and he burst into tears. This time he said "I like gymnastics but I can't do the same things as those people on TV!" He went on to talk about a myriad of other activities that he likes but isn't "the best" at, and continued to cry. I asked him what he thinks those people had to do to learn their skills, and he responded "practice". I'm currently working on a strategy to incorporate structured practice into our routine at home, so that as he continues to take TKD, he'll hopefully be able to connect the home practice with improvements at class. This is hard for me, because I've never really been to keen on practice myself. I took piano for about 5 years, but it was like pulling teeth for my mom to get me to sit at the piano for more than 15 minutes a day. Once I quit lessons, I played much more often, but I sometimes wonder how much better I'd be if I had continued lessons. I've just been fortunate to have some natural talent at music, enough natural coordination to pick up sports fairly easily, and enough intelligence to get through school without studying too terribly hard. When I face a challenge, I sometimes struggle with how to meet it and not let myself feel overwhelmed by the prospect of failing to do it "perfectly". Ah, perfectionism, a first-born child's best frenemy.

I think this is what's been driving some of L's frustration: wanting to do everything well, not being sure how to accomplish it all, and worrying that he won't be able to do it as well as he wants to. I know this feeling all too well. And like me, when he's had a long day, all of that everything just seems to pile up until it feels too heavy to carry, and the emotions spill out all over the pillow. So I hug him and tell him that he doesn't have to be great at everything. That he should pick a few things that he likes the best and give himself some time and lots of practice to see if he can get better at them. And also that if he doesn't do them as well as he'd like, he can keep practicing or try something different.

I want to communicate to him that not being the best isn't a failure, and that it in no way means that there isn't something else out there that he can excel at. I want him to experience the joy and exhilaration of achievement without beating himself up when he inevitably falls short. I hope to encourage him to keep trying new things, to conquer his fears and step outside of his comfort zone.