On Being Still

It's fall, which conjures many memories for me and seems to highlight transitions as a part of life, some of them easier to deal with than others.

My Grandma Claassen passed away a couple of weeks ago, and while I am filled with sadness at her loss, there is some joy and relief in knowing that she no longer suffers pain, either the physical pain of her "useless" hip, or the emotional pain of living with out Grandpa, the true love of her life.

In the same week, I decided to accept a new job. I know deep down that I have made the best choice for my career, but I will deeply miss the many close friends I have in my current workplace. We have made promises to continue our cocktail hours and ladies night events, but it won't be the same as dropping by an office or cubicle to shoot the breeze for a few minutes or walking across the beautiful campus to grab a cup of coffee or lunch.

And I am reflecting on how spoiled I've become after having my Mom live with me this summer. I've only had to do laundry rarely, and knowing there's someone to come home to at the end of the day has taken the keen edge off of the loneliness I've been fighting off ever since my divorce.

So after my philosophy group meeting yesterday, I decided to take some time alone to be still, to allow my mind to wander through and process all of these things, and to write my thoughts and feelings down as I needed. I sat on the banks of a lake, letting the sun warm me as a chilly fall wind blew across the water.

I began writing, as I find that putting things in writing relieves my brain of the work of remembering and rehashing them. And then I remembered that once upon a time I used to really enjoy writing poetry. So I thought I'd try it on again for size. This effort is a bit crude and unpolished, but I think it conveys the essence of the process I go through again and again as I face a new challenge or transition.

Be still

by Monica Claassen

Be still

Let the sadness, loneliness, despair out

Be open

Let them wash over and through you

Be present in the sadness

Cry. Scream. Write.

Let them flow through you and away

Leaving you still

Feel your own strength

Seek out that tiny bit of light,

of hope

Hold the light and the hope in your hand,

in your mind

Embrace their warmth

Let them fill you, spread through you

Others can guide you,

can hold you

But this you must do yourself

For only in facing the darkness

and seeking the light,

can you find your strength

and live in hope and light