Questioning Assumptions

Parenting is the hardest job I've ever had. It requires me to think long-term, to consider each and every day the choices I make, and to watch my behaviors carefully, because it is quite amazing how well my kids can imitate my words and actions.

I am a single parent, having now been divorced for about a year and a half. Single parenting was NEVER something I considered when weighing the costs and benefits of having children. I don't think that was naive on my part, because I honestly thought I would be married to my children's father for my entire life. But I now spend half of my time doing all of the parenting of my two kids, a big change from the team approach I had been used to for the first 6 years of my parenting career.

The first point I want to make here is that I don't ask for anyone's pity over my situation, nor do I accept anyone's judgement or assumptions about my situation as a "single mother of two children". I am strong, smart and capable, and though the approach has changed, my commitment to the responsibility I accepted when I chose to have children has not diminished. I ask for no handouts, nor do I bemoan the situation of single mothers. Or fathers, though somehow the focus generally falls on mothers. I suspect this is due to the negative assumptions that a man can more easily abandon his offspring, and on the flip-side, a woman might have children just to "work the system", seeking more handouts.

I finished my master's degree in the midst of a divorce and parenting my children on my own for 80% of the time, while working full-time, paying off my car loan, and refinancing my mortgage so I could continue to pay for my home. I believe that it is possible to improve one's situation through hard work, determination, and thinking, i.e. making good choices. And now I will step down off of that soap box.

The second thought I've been mulling over is how best to guide and prepare my children for the times when they are out on their own. Next week they will be attending vacation bible school with my former in-laws. This is not a new experience for either of them; both sets of grandparents have chosen this approach as a way to both spend time with their grand kids and in the hopes of instilling in them some good old fashioned religious values.

But I will not send my children to VBS without talking through the following points with them:

1. Just because someone wrote something in a book does not make it true. There must be concrete evidence to support the conclusions.
2. Just because someone tells you something and they are older or more educated than you does not make it true. Even if that person is your mom, dad, teacher, grandparent, etc.
3. It is okay to ask questions (seek out facts) if you do not understand something and/or you need more evidence.
4. It is okay to ask questions of those who are older than you whenever something they say does not make sense to you.

Those are the basics. With my older child, I will also add the following:

1. You are required to use your mind and to think. It is never okay to let someone else think for you, or to try to substitute your conclusions with their own. 
2. The response to you asking "Why?" should never be "Just because" or "I take it on faith". There should always, always be a rational response, or you can disregard the response entirely.
3. If you think that what you are being told is wrong, you don't have to have all of the information to decide not to believe it. It is your job to keep looking for information until you are able to decide one way or another. If you need help gathering information, I will help you.

All of this takes work. It takes effort to think. My 8-year-old son will occasionally show signs of laziness when he asks questions of me that if he stopped to think about, he would quickly figure out the answer on his own: "Mom, where do the dirty dishes go?" And I respond "Stop and think. Where do you *think* they should go?" I am responsible for raising an individual who is capable of being fully engaged and thoughtful, and so I will not do his thinking for him, but will actively model how I go about gathering and considering evidence and making decisions. If I ever lack a rational answer to the question "Why?" when one of my children asks me, then it's my responsibility to check my own assumptions.